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Archive for aprīlis 6th, 2008

FAIL

Posted by andrefosho uz aprīlis 6, 2008

FAIL

FAIL

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The post of hate

Posted by andrefosho uz aprīlis 6, 2008

a young woman goes to visit her grandmother a week after her grandfather die’s
“gran how did my grandad die exactly” she says
“well dear your grandad died while we were…you know doing it”
the young woman is appauled at this and tells her that at her age she shouldnt be doing that.
“well we devised a very good way of doing it, when the church bells started ringing your grandfather would go in on the ding and out the dong , and if that damm icecream truck hadnt come along he would still be alive today!!

////

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day;

he comes across a Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and

in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.

“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is
outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.” “When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first
person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the
middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen
is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses,

Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs
her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right
there, in

front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, that’s
enough, I’ll do the f**king dishes!”

////

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,”THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to give you a test that will run for two hours, and from the results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

It’s gone! It’s all GONE!!” I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said,

“Jesus saves … ”

////

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan. “What are you doing?” he asks. “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied. Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

////

a patiant is lying in bed when he calls the nurse over”nurse is my testicals black”
she lifts up the covers looks at them and says”no they look allright to me.
so he calls another nurse over”nurse is my testicals black”
she lifts up the covers looks at them and says”no they look allright to me.
aat that point the sister comes walking past”sister are my testicals black”
“iv told you before mr smith i wont talk to you untill you put your teeth in”
so he puts his teeth in and says”are my test results back”

////

Teachers and Kids

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile?”
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t
have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

TEACHER: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
JOHNNY : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time.”

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t
punish him?”
JOHNNY : “Because George still had the axe in his hand?”

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

////

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the
flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing
onthe lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot
reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and
the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

////

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous routine “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store, Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3, and 4.
Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.

COSTELLO: What blue one?

ABBOTT: The blue “1”.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part
of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”

////

A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”. “Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers: “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

////

1. Only in Canada……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in Canada……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Canada……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada…..do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in Canada……do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in Canada……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

////

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and it’s Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth – a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” “No, no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream, I swear!!!”

////

There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn’t much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn’t know so he could try to figure them out.

Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, “Hey, do you want to play a game?”

The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, “Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I’ll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give YOU $5.”

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist’s offer.

The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. “Look, I’ll ask you a question, and if you can’t answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you $50!”

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn’t totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. “Okay,” the scientist said, “what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?”

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn’t stop to think about the scientist’s question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, “Okay, now it’s your turn.”

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, “All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?” The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist’s face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.

After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.

“Wait!” the scientist shouted. “You can’t do this to me! What’s the answer??”

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put another $5 bill into his hand.

////

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got
a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The
husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?”

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