Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
“Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that
Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She
replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on
hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight
number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him
he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you
sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am,
I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, “What would you like to talk about?”
Oh, I don’t know,” said the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already
starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,”What good will Viagra do for
The doctor replied, “It won’t do anything for his condition,but it’ll
keep the sheets off his legs.”
Economic Models and Business Strategy explained with Cows
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy…
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or
you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P. S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a
far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that didn’t work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About
those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price
tag was stil l on them, and I prayed that it was just a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After
all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P. S. I don’t think I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
I hope that’s not a problem.
When girls don’t put out!!
Girls — Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.
What’s the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty dollars . .”she whispers.
He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides,what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
I’m making luff to my Vife ,” Ole answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Vell,” says Ole, ” I din’t neder, ’til you shine dat damn light in her face”
brian gets home from the pub 1 night and go’s to bed, he gets in beside his wife and is just about to fall asleep when he see’s a man standing at the end of the bed.
“st peter is that you” he says
“yes brian iv come for you”
“but it cant be my time iv so much to do in life and i cant leave my wife there must be a way i can stay”
so st peter says the only way he can stay on earth is if he becomes a chicken, brian thinks about this and decides there is a farm at the end of the road so he would’nt be far from his wife and agrees.
with a loud POOF suddenly he was in a farm yard pecking seed of the floor, he was doing this for an hour before his belly started hurting and he started panicking.
with that the barn rooster came over and tells him to relax and that he’s just ovulating “just relax and let the egg come out trust me it int that bad”
so brian relaxes and all of a sudden an egg pops out and he thinks to himself that was one of the best feelings he ever had, a while later the feeling comes back so once again he relaxes and he lays another egg. When he gets another feeling brian is overjoyed and starts shouting “i love being a chicken this is the best feeling in the world”
all of a sudden there is an allmighty whack on the back of his head and his wife says “brian wake up you stupid bastard your shitting the bed”
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a large ugly dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’
‘What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’
He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
‘Can I borrow the dog?!’
‘Get in line.’
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.”
The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”
The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says “Hey Koala ! what are you doing?”
The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”
So the koala looks down at him and says:
“Fuuuu – k dude…….how much water did you drink?!!”
Husband and wife…..
Husband – Ah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you shag me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
A man walks into a bar, orders his drink and then sits down to enjoy the music being played by a pianist in the corner. Suddenly the pianist launches into a beautiful piece of music, so beautiful that the guy goes over to ask the pianist what it’s called.
“I call that piece ‘You love it up the arse, cumbucket'” the pianist replies.
“What? You can’t call a piece of music that beautiful a name like that!” the guy says.
“I’m the piano player, I wrote that piece, I can call it what I like” says the pianist.
The man goes and sits down again, and the piano player launches into a second piece of music, even more beautiful than the first. The guy goes over again after he’s finished, asks what this piece is called,
“‘I’m gonna spunk in your face and fist you'” replies the pianist.
“Jesus!” says the man “I can’t say that I agree with your song naming, but the music you play is beautiful. I’ve got a dinner party coming in a couple of weeks and I’d really like you to play there. But, there has to be one condition – you don’t tell ANYONE what the music you play is called.”
The pianist considers for a minute and then agrees. A couple of weeks later, the guy is a little worried cos the pianist is half an hour late and the guests are beginning to arrive. The pianist then turns up and the guy tells him to get ready as he’s already late.
“There’s just one small problem,” says the pianist, “It’s a little awkward but I can’t play until I’ve had a wank.”
“Well, here’s the bathroom,” the man says desperate to get the party underway, “Go in there do your business and then can we get on with the music?”
The pianist goes into the bathroom and for the next ten minutes it sounds like there’s a fight going on in there – banging, crashing swearing, the lot. When he reappears, the pianists shirt is ripped, his trousers are undone, his cock is hanging out and there’s spunk all down his trousers.
“Christ!” the guy says, “Do you know your shirts ripped, your cocks hanging out and there spunk all down your trousers?”
“Know it?” the pianist replies, “I fucking wrote it!”
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked:
‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’ Harry answered,
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’ Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’ Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said to her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’
Ms. Brooks replied ‘Let me ask him some questions.’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!
There’s a guy out drinking with his mates and as you’d expect after a few drinks he needs to go and piss.
He walks into the bathroom and sees a guy standing at the urinal with no arms who is having a bit of difficulty so he asks if he needs any help.
The guy replies “yeah it’d be great if you could undo my zip for me” so he undoes his zip for him but they guy is still having a little trouble and says “I know it’s a little weird but could you get my dick out for me and hold it while i piss?” Normally he wouldn’t do this but he feels sorry for the other guy as he has no arms.
As he stood there he noticed the guy’s dick had a kind of rash all over it. There were horrible red marks all over this guy’s dick and he wanted to be sick but forced himself not to be as he still felt bad for the guy as he had no arms. The guy finished pissing and he did his zip back up for him and as he was walking out he couldn’t help ask “I don’t mean to be rude but do you mind me asking what’s wrong with your dick?”
The other guy pulled his arms out from inside his shirt and said “I don’t know but I’m not fucking touching it!”
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that .After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: ‘These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!’That’s nothing ‘said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..’From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”
1 . Two blondes walk into a building………..you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’ *
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t see any.*
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’ *
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. *
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle. *
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayaknand heat it. *
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. *
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’ *
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ”Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’ *
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’ *
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’ *
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom! *
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’ *
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. *
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’ *
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. *
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’ *
23. **Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night *
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
“Did your son hit his head on a tap then?” I asked.
“No,” replied the man; “he choked on one of my socks”.
Tomorrow was Katie’s birthday and she was excited.
“Guess how old I’m going to be tomorrow!” she yelled to her dad.
“Don’t know” he replied, playing along.
“I’ll be six!” she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, “guess how old I’ll be tomorrow!”
“To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers.” he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
“You’ll be six tomorrow” Grandad says.
“How did you know that?” replies Katie.
“Because I heard you saying it to your dad”.
I was standing at a bar in the pub when I overheard this conversation between two blokes:
“Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub”.
“Oh yeah? How’s that then?”
“I’m a rapist”.
On the bus home… packed upstairs, usual british silence and ignoring each other, apart from 2 schoolkids, chatting happily away, and one says..
“What’s orange and round?”
I appreciate that kind of crap joke and carried on listening to hear..
“What’s orange and wears checked trousers?”
“Rupert the orange.”